Another One Bites the Dust
As a long time resident of this slowly disintegrating city of Durban I was saddened to see the forthcoming demise of one of the best known attractions, the Umgeni River Bird Park. Let me say that I understand that the City is not directly involved with it. However, an effort could have been made to save it, given the rampant profligacy of the lunatic asylum that passes as a City Council.
I was looking at an aerial photograph of Durban’s Golden Mile taken not so long ago. we’ve lost the Lido where Capital Radio and the Sand Pebbles used to be, the Little Top and the Snake Park. It’s not that they’re gone, because, let’s face it, they were a little on the tacky side, they have not been replaced and they should have been. We had Water World, an excellent water park that was forced to shut in favour of a pale imitation at uShaka.
Which brings me to another topic . . .
The Naming of the NEW AIRPORT!
I gather they are looking for names. Why? It’s long been referred to as the King Shaka International Airport so why bother? I understand that it has to be named - if it is to be renamed - after a dead person. Why can’t it be simply as it is - the Durban International Airport? Our dear Town Clerk - Comrade Sutcliffe who craves a legacy could offer his name to the new airport.
Of course he’d have to be dead first but I think that would be a small price for the bulk of Durban’s denizens who cannot abide him. There would be a wry smile playing on the lips of the long suffering burghers as the plane taxied over the small bump at the end of the runway. Give them that warm feeling.
The ‘Michael Sutcliffe International Airport’ - Yep, sounds suitably grandiose.
But why does it have to be a dead person - let’s be imaginative here.
The ‘Take your Life in Your Hands at the Robots International Airport’ complete with dysfunctional runway lights and strange men guiding the planes in with bunches of plastic coathangers. They could even take the place of duty free, wandering up and down the aisle with catapults, limp roses, cellphone chargers and other ‘must-have’ items. The inflight drinks come with exceedingly suspicious floaties to remind travellers of the Blue Flag beaches we once had.
The ‘Michael Sutcliffe Commemorative Pothole International Airport‘ complete with huge hole in the middle of the runway to remind passengers that they had just returned home. This hole would be attended day and night by teams of municipal employees leaning on picks, staring into the middle distance and lying under trees especially planted for the purpose. Most of the airport would of course be in total darkness. Taxi times from the runway would unfortunately be excessive as a result of the plane having to take evasive action around the piles of rubbish.
It’s a pity that one of the major construction companies got the tender. I would have liked Afriscan to get it, given their experience of roadways. If the runway was anything like their 4km ‘rumble strip’ that passes as a heavy goods lane on the M7 between Malvern and Pinetown (subject of a further posting), no plane would ever be able to land and would still be bouncing when it passed La Lucia. Even lorries with independently sprung cabs don’t use this execrable piece of road.
In fact, don’t give it a single name at all. Let’s have a rotating name that changes every week between those of an obscure Victorian civil servant, a struggle ‘hero’, a South American terrorist, a prominent member of the Broederbond and any Durban street kid. So here we go . . .
‘The Alfred Milner Harry Gwala Che Guevara BJ Vorster and Sipho Mdlalose International Airport’
This should please Comrade Sutcliffe, our cartographically challenged Town Clerk.
The Free Valet Service would move travellers’ vehicles efficiently from the concourse to Mozambique - at no extra charge.
Tired of bulging bags and pockets? The friendly porters will be pleased to relieve you of your wallet and cellphone so you can board the plane feeling suitably fleeced.
The Public Address system would be earsplittingly loud but completely garbled except for repeated use of the indeterminate sound ‘Eeeeeeeh’ and the occasional ‘Haauw!’ as an incoming plane hit the Commemorative Pothole. ‘Eeeeeeish!’ would of course be used when a jumbo load of passengers has been directed to the wrong gate.
Feeling a little ‘down in the mouth’ because the plane has come to a grinding standstill against a pile of rubbish well away from the terminal building? Don’t worry! Our fleet of Quantum taxis will crab their way towards you. You’ll know they’re on their way by the sound of the rattling seats. With luck, most of the passengers will make it to the terminal.
The Flight Information Displays wouldn’t have such boring words as ‘Arrived’, ‘Departed’ or ‘20.05′. No! Booooring! How about ‘Still Bouncing’. ‘Somewhere on a taxiway’ or - the best I think instead of times - ‘Just Now, ‘Now’ and ‘Now Now’.
The list is endless - I’ll come up with a few more local customizations in the next post.
BTW, ‘King Shaka’? Never.
What a mongrel title! It has to be ‘Inkosi Shaka‘. Can’t keep Sutcliffe lying awake at night worrying about it can we?