Something I’d Like to be Remembered For
Great works? Philanthropic largesse? Charitable foundations? A ‘good man and a fine human being’? Hardly.
Many years ago, I came across a newspaper report that crystallized everything for me. It was 30 years ago and occupied no more than a couple of column inches in the Witness.
It was a report of a Court case that involved a man and a woman. The woman had charged the man with attempted rape - nothing new here I hear you say. The difference was that the woman was 98 years old. The attempted rapist was 103 years old!
Brilliant! That’s what I would like to be remembered for - attempted rape at age 103.
‘Where’s great great great grandad?’
‘He’s in Court’.
‘In Court? What for?’.
‘Um, attempted rape’.
‘Attempted rape? I thought the only thing stiff about him was his Zimmer frame and his cocoa. Who’d he try and rape - the night nurse?’
‘No, the lady in the next room.’
Can you imagine the wonderful scene …
‘Come on Maude - you know you want to.’
Sounds of scrabbling at nightie and popping buttons.
‘No, Arthur, keep away from me. Now I know what the strange look you’ve been giving me all week has been for. All this time I thought it was trouble with your colostomy bag. Now I know it’s nothing more than lust, pure lust. Until I lost Sidney, I was happily married for 63 years.’
‘Aw, Maude, don’t you ever wonder what it would be like to have hot sex with another man?’
Sounds of popping knee joints and shuffling about.
‘What on earth is that? Good grief, I thought it was your walking stick. Just keep it in the bedpan where it belongs.’
‘Maude, baby I’ve had the hots for you since last week’s Bingo. The way you clicked your dentures over your card had my hormone racing - well, walking.’
‘What on earth has come over you Arthur? I know - you’ve been mixing your nitroglycerine with laburnum leaves again haven’t you?’
Sounds of stitches rupturing and dentures hitting the tiles.
‘Ooh, your cleavage sends my pacemaker into overdrive, Maude.’
‘That’s it Arthur - I’m calling the orderly - Nurse! Nurse! I’m being attacked!’
‘Maude, baby gums, we’re nearly there if I can get my leg onto the bed - c’mon now, don’t be a pooper - Aaaagh! NnNnNnnnnnnnnnng! I’ve put my bloody back out!
Maude? Maude? Hey Maude, where’ve you gone Maude?’
Think of the respect he’d get in prison amongst all the other rapists. A 103 year old rapist - brilliant.